Life, Perks, and Other Issues

Okay so it's been a while since I've posted or said anything. Maybe no one actually reads these, but I think it helps me to let it out. I think it helps me to shout and scream and cry and maybe even once in a while write something down here, because maybe somewhere out there... someone else is feeling the exact same way.

Life is shit.

It is now and it always has been. There is no way to escape how incredibly shitty life is and there are all these quotes out there saying that happiness is accepting that life sucks and dealing with it. I don't think that can be happiness.. I'm not sure happiness even exists any longer once you reach a certain age. Definitely not the same free joy you had as a child swinging on a swing.

Another thing that's shit? People. People are shit.

Everyone is shitty. I'm shitty, he's shitty, she's shitty.  Maybe we're all shitty about different things, but we're all shitty. That is a truth of life that comes to you when you've accepted that the world is terrible place and you've decided just to deal with it.

If there is anyone out there reading this, don't worry. I have a pretty good life. I go to my community college, I plan to transfer to a university in a couple years, I eat plenty (probably more than I should, yet I'm still not overweight), I laugh a lot, and sleep enough. I just get stressed sometimes and have breakdowns. Doesn't everyone though? Doesn't everyone know how difficult things can be? Maybe happiness still does exist. Maybe happiness is fooling myself into believing that everything is fine and easy.

What brings this on, you might ask? Welp. School is a factor. I have tests coming up and projects that need to be done and I cannot wrap my head around what needs to be done first. Then on top of that I have dance class. Which is usually.. I don't know. I don't think its ever been a "release." Dance is just.. dance. With certain people and certain teachers its fun! Others... Others are terrible. Lately, the terrible seem to be standing out. Not only have I been worrying about school and dance, but also the Famine. Yay! February is Famine time! My youth pastor asked me if I would like to help take part in the planning of the Famine and I was ecstatic. "Yes I would love to help plan!" The Famine has always been an important part of my February and my religion. To me, it is the best thing my youth group does and I thought it would be fun to take part in it. Maybe I just took on too much. I'm so tired of trying so hard.. I try hard to be good at dance, try hard to finish my work on time and turn everything in with hopes of A's, I've tried hard to organize three worship services for this weekend, and I've tried hard with my friends who don't try hard back. I think I'm loosing my kindness.. I would say I need help.. and maybe I eventually will, but I think it's just them. They're ruining me.. and it's because I care too much and I try too hard.

I've been watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower a lot lately and I've come to the conclusion that it is one of my favorite movies. This movie also helps to remind me that my life, its so easy compared to his and those of the characters in the movie. To me though... my life is hard. As soon as I think that, I feel ridiculous because I know there are worse things out there..

Music: "Heroes" David Bowie (I love David Bowie)

Rant to Breathe Easy Again

Are you fucking kidding me. Where is your personality? Where are your fucking faults? I know you aren't perfect. No one is. How can one person be so incredibly fake? How can others stand it? I can't be the only one so impossibly annoyed by the way she acts as if she's the most darling little thing there ever was. Why can't others see it?

I don't understand. She isn't always like this. Sometimes she can be funny... a good laugh. Sometimes a good friend. Not so much lately.

She makes all the wrong decisions, and I know she's not the only one making these dumb decisions, I just happened to think she was better than them. I knew with my whole heart that she was better than those damn decisions, I knew that she deserved better. I guess she didn't.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." -Stephen Chbosky

It's true. Another thing that might be true.. is that once we settle... we become something worth settling for. When we lower ourselves for someone else, others see us as lowered as well.

I don't think so high and mighty of myself... I'm no where near perfect, I make mistakes and ruin things, but I strive to be better.

Don't ever lower yourself. Raise yourself up. Strive for the best. One day, you'll get it.

Music: Falling Slowly by Kris Allen

Books

Books.. are misleading. They let you believe in the fairy tale of sweet never-ending summers and everything going your way. I love believing in those kind of things. I love fairy tales even if they're just that. Fairy tales. It sort of gives you hope, to believe in the good things. Books make it look easy to connect to people. In romances, the girl is always accidentally running into her conquest, or maybe they live on the same street, or are sharing the same summer house. I've always wanted this to happen to me. To make it so incredibly easy to stay in touch, to fall in love, to be happy and close. Sometimes, it is. Most of the time, it isn't. However, no one would read a book where the girl only saw the man she loved roughly twice a year. People want a quick, continuous love story and then a happy ending. That's what we want in life too. Sadly, that's not how it works. There are the lucky ones though... The ones who do actually go to a boy-girl boarding school and fall in love and the ones who do live on the same street and end up marrying their next-door neighbor. I'm not one of them. I can't complain... too much. I have my boy. Though he doesn't live as close as I'd like him to. He makes me happy,  happier than I thought I could be, but there are still the things we can't have. We can't be as close as we'd like, we aren't as old as we'd want to be. We're too young to move forward, but I'm glad I found him and he found me.

Here I am saying books are misleading, when sometimes, they aren't. At all. Sometimes, the books are so similar to your life that its eerie. The main character does some of the exact same things you do, wears the same kind of shoes, has the same type of favorite cake, their best friend acts exactly like yours.. Sometimes, the books are too close to reality. And then, in that situation, you want everything to go well. So so well for them, because they're just like you! Then when it doesn't, you're so devastated, because it's like its you things are going bad for..

I suppose I'm sitting on the fence about whether I consider them misleading or not.. I've just always thought that life was so much harder than my books made it out to be. If I ever write a book, though.. mine would be the fairy tale kind... Close to reality, but so much happier.

To close, my suggested read, "The Summer I Turned Pretty" and a song to get you by, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aD12z02BOXY

I'm happy. It feels so good.

Damn Caring

I shouldn't care. It won't happen. I'm overreacting. This is killing me. I'm annoyed with myself.

Fuck.

I don't even know how to explain it. I'm just so irked over it. I shouldn't be. I'm over him, they're just friends, it probably won't happen anyway. I just can't ignore the fact that she doesn't care. Doesn't think twice about it. Of course that's just her attitude, a quick flippant "sure!" and moving on. Why don't things matter to her? EVERYTHING matters to me.

Maybe I care too much. Or maybe... she just cares too little.

August 10, 2011 Ramble Number One

Have you ever just felt tired? Just so tired of doing what you have to? Being who you are--with all your horrible qualities? There is no escape for that, though. You're just stuck. Yeah, well, I'm tired of my "super power". You see, my best friend and I have taken some qualities of ours (hers the ability to burp and spit like a forty-year old man, and mine, my least favorite thing about me) and deemed them our "super powers". They are rather horrible super powers. I want something more than what I have... For I am the Queen of Awkward Silences.

Yep. No way around it. Even if I have a few chatty people that I barely know, if they're around me, it's less of a chance a conversation will be held. I can't help it. I'm just awkward. I know, small talk. Well small talk never works. Every time I hear those words I think of the weather. Chatting about the weather. Can you see me chatting about the weather? I don't hardly know ANYTHING about the damn weather! So what am I supposed to do then? Ask them their favorite color? That is always the second thing I think of... Any one got any hints? I don't want to be the Queen of Awkward Silences. I want to be able to talk easily to people without my face heating up and my stomach flipping three times in the span of two seconds.

You know what would be an amazing super power? The ability to read minds... I know some will say, "oh that's lame, I want to be able to fly!" Really, I never found the appeal of flying. It's not that I'm insecure! See when I think of people wanting to read minds they want to hear what others are thinking of them. That could be either disastrous or a great confidence-booster. That's not what I'd want it for, though that would be interesting... I want it because, hey, it really could improve my small talk. That, and I would hopefully develop quite a thick skin, so as to not be easily offended. Wouldn't that just be marvelous?

So, question for you... Any tips on small talk AND if you could have a super power, what would it be?

As always.

Ello world. I'm not aiming for the poetic, deep look right now, so bear with me.

So school is back. Oh the tragedy... Course we aren't doing anything yet. It's quite sad. We all just go there and sit around, nothing to do. I would work on my new L/J long fic, but really, in a school full of nerds do I really need to be the nerdiest? Why yes of course I do. ;D

Anyway, I've discovered Doctor Who. I've only seen a few episodes so far, but they're amazing. I don't know what it is, the thrilling stories every show, the Ninth Doctor's enthusiasm, or maybe its just the accents. Whatever it is, I am hooked and loving it.

Now, onto what you've been dying to hear... The "Invisible" boy. (And here comes the "poetic" part I promised I wouldn't do..)

He's as beautiful as ever.. Dark hair tousled, brown eyes searching, always searching... His mouth set, determination easily read in his features. His skin darker than normal, of course that was expected. What wasn't expected was the action, or lack thereof. He never placed a foot on my bus. Its as if every time I get close to this boy, fate tears me apart. I hate it. I want him. I want all of him. Once again, I rarely know what I want, and when I do know, I also know I can never have it. Just my luck.

To end on a more positive note, the beach was incredible. As always.