Okay so it's been a while since I've posted or said anything. Maybe no one actually reads these, but I think it helps me to let it out. I think it helps me to shout and scream and cry and maybe even once in a while write something down here, because maybe somewhere out there... someone else is feeling the exact same way.
Life is shit.
It is now and it always has been. There is no way to escape how incredibly shitty life is and there are all these quotes out there saying that happiness is accepting that life sucks and dealing with it. I don't think that can be happiness.. I'm not sure happiness even exists any longer once you reach a certain age. Definitely not the same free joy you had as a child swinging on a swing.
Another thing that's shit? People. People are shit.
Everyone is shitty. I'm shitty, he's shitty, she's shitty. Maybe we're all shitty about different things, but we're all shitty. That is a truth of life that comes to you when you've accepted that the world is terrible place and you've decided just to deal with it.
If there is anyone out there reading this, don't worry. I have a pretty good life. I go to my community college, I plan to transfer to a university in a couple years, I eat plenty (probably more than I should, yet I'm still not overweight), I laugh a lot, and sleep enough. I just get stressed sometimes and have breakdowns. Doesn't everyone though? Doesn't everyone know how difficult things can be? Maybe happiness still does exist. Maybe happiness is fooling myself into believing that everything is fine and easy.
What brings this on, you might ask? Welp. School is a factor. I have tests coming up and projects that need to be done and I cannot wrap my head around what needs to be done first. Then on top of that I have dance class. Which is usually.. I don't know. I don't think its ever been a "release." Dance is just.. dance. With certain people and certain teachers its fun! Others... Others are terrible. Lately, the terrible seem to be standing out. Not only have I been worrying about school and dance, but also the Famine. Yay! February is Famine time! My youth pastor asked me if I would like to help take part in the planning of the Famine and I was ecstatic. "Yes I would love to help plan!" The Famine has always been an important part of my February and my religion. To me, it is the best thing my youth group does and I thought it would be fun to take part in it. Maybe I just took on too much. I'm so tired of trying so hard.. I try hard to be good at dance, try hard to finish my work on time and turn everything in with hopes of A's, I've tried hard to organize three worship services for this weekend, and I've tried hard with my friends who don't try hard back. I think I'm loosing my kindness.. I would say I need help.. and maybe I eventually will, but I think it's just them. They're ruining me.. and it's because I care too much and I try too hard.
I've been watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower a lot lately and I've come to the conclusion that it is one of my favorite movies. This movie also helps to remind me that my life, its so easy compared to his and those of the characters in the movie. To me though... my life is hard. As soon as I think that, I feel ridiculous because I know there are worse things out there..
Music: "Heroes" David Bowie (I love David Bowie)
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